One Week

One Week:

It’s amazing how much can change in a week. Last Friday I was happy. I was counting down the hours till this Friday – the last of the empty mornings for lectures, and sleepless nights for work….And the reward:

I was gonna go out, look fabulous and wear new clothes that I had just bought for the occasion. I was gonna meet new people,hopefully some potential love interests and just really enjoy myself.

Last Friday I ended the day on a high note – Walking to the parking lot with my ‘friends’ talking in the sunshine and joking and messing around. Great memories….If I had known then that it was all gonna change so fast, then maybe I would’ve walked even slower in my suede wedges…drawing out the moments of perfection and true happiness….But I didn’t….So now it will only be a memory of true happiness….maybe the last for a very long time…

 

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On Tuesday it was coffee at Woolworths as usual….Things felt different, I felt different….Something was wrong in the atmosphere and I could feel it….it was so incredibly tangible….Maybe it caused the actual offness within me….or maybe it was the other way around….Either way, waking up late that morning, rushing to varsity and realising that they changed your maths Semester Test Venue without telling you, rushing around looking for it for 30 mins,and then collapsing in an unsexy heap in the last seat…Really did not help matters…

 

But there I was drinking coffee,expecting things to be amazing…but something was wrong….something had changed….Friend 1 had even ordered a white hot chocolate….maybe that should have warned me….after all it was so sweet that the smell nearly made me wanna throw up…Why didn’t he wanna order the usual gingerbread latte? Apparently he ‘wanted change’ or something like that….

 

He was acting weird….almost offish….I didn't really notice….after all I was just so glad to have him there; And he asked/told me that we were gonna party on Friday night….without even thinking of my previous plans - I automatically said Yes…Partying was gonna be awesome, couldn’t wait…and neither could he right?!….I turned down lunch with him after varsity though….I wasn’t feeling up to eating….I wasn’t feeling up to company….But He had confused me….with his vagueness the whole day…and the fact that I hadn’t seen him for a week….I missed him oddly enough….I couldn’t get myself to drive away but eventually did….

 

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Wednesday I couldn't concentrate…I had no idea what was going on….I didn’t even know the Day…My work was completely void of any thought….But Friend 2 and Friend 1  helped…what awesome friends right?

Friend 1 persuaded me for lunch…I pushed for Mickey D’s…I couldn't drive myself all the way to the Glen….and then try to eat at M&G….I just couldn’t do it….

It was ok….we talked….After he let slip that he had gotten promoted at work over the weekend….But he had not told me,and apparently never was going to tell me….

Wednesday Night I actually had a conversation with Friend 2….which kind of turned from my genuine concern and kindness for him….Into something that almost resembled a fight…But Friend 2 and I never fight, we simply and eloquently state our very logical phrases and ideas….and we never seem to get anywhere…However I do remember being blamed quite alot throughout….But I accept responsibility, it was my fault trying to have a normal conversation….

 

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Thursday was the Day I realised I had gotten played….Trying to have a normal friendly conversation with Friend 3…But he starts his asking….His insulting questions and his inability to actually give a damn what I say….Irk me…I start to get angry – the weeks pent up stress laying heavily on me…..I use exclamation marks to get my point across….I'm not shouting…I’m just trying to make myself heard….It doesn’t work….He shouts at me….And I honestly cant handle anymore…try to tell him that..and he very kindly says ‘ I don't have time for your problems’ ….I say ‘fine’ and he then asks me a disgusting question….As though he hasn’t heard enough….

All the while I have Friend 1 nagging me at the other end…yes I’m excited for tomorrow….Can’t wait to party and celebrate….Then I find out about ‘Kirsten'….Well rather I guessed and had to extract it from him….somehow this annoys me….that He cant even tell me something like this???

I decide I need to just go sleep….I log off and….stay awake all night….

 

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Friday I make my self look amazing…Sms Friend 1 - 3 or 4 times, but he never arrives at Varsity….much later on, he very ignorantly sends “Sorry I missed u but i had the most amazing sleep :-)”….

I wasn’t happy….I was sad….was that selfish of me? To think that a best friend ditched me for sleeping?…..I don’t think so….And that damn smiley face was so arrogant….

I sent back a short reply….much later on I get a message telling me that he wants a ‘rain check’ but will make it up by letting us go out to dinner tomorrow….More arrogance….selfishness…not caring that I wanted to go out tonight?! Not caring that I cancelled my amazing plans without a second thought for him…and then he cancels….And more arrogance,just expecting me to be free on Saturday night….Not offering me dinner, making us take it together….No….that’s my reply…

 

Later on I saw on FB that he had spent the afternoon out with two other people….Explains a lot….I was back up as  usual…

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I’ve had enough…I don't need nonsense anymore….Three friends,three almost separate incidents….three cases of absolute humiliation….Three guys who are very arrogant….

 

And then there is me….the sucker for punishment,who puts up with their shit for no reason….I don’t actually need them…I don't actually need friends….But I WANT them…Friend 1 is possibly out of the picture forever now….Friend 2 – is an amazing person, who somehow just seems to get me and knows how to deal with and handle me, definitely still want to stay friends there….Friend 3 - I haven’t quite decided about yet, will make it known at a later stage…

Back to Friday….

 

And so….I took myself out for a party and celebration….And I spoiled myself!….And that is basically my way of saying….cheers, I’m done making the effort and putting up with shit…I sure as hell don’t deserve it, not when I don’t need you (afore mentioned friend above) in the first place anyway!

 

                                    Au revoir Garcons!

Letter One (day 1 of 6)

Prologue

These are a series of letters that I wrote to a person that I loved very much, and still do, who will be called my Angel or Angel for the p[purpose of anonymity. I went away in June to a place that had no cell phone signal and electricity, and my phone wasn't working. So I promised my Angel that I would write to Angel everyday, and I did.

These are those letters.

Monday

I woke up very early this morning at around 3AM. It was very cold and dark, and when you breathed out the air, it made little misty patches in front of your eyes, so that the stars went all blurry and pretty.

I wrapped myself in layers and layers of coloured jerseys, orange-red-blue-coral-turquoise. And neglected to put on make up, it was too cold and too early to worry about such trivial things.

Besides, I missed you already, and I was sad to leave.

Most of the country is ice cold in the middle of winter, but it must have been much colder this morning, maybe about -1 degrees. But I knew where I was going it was going to be very hot, so I just curled up and went to sleep.

We stopped for breakfast in Ermelo, i think, I'm not really good with all the names that early. And the sun was just beginning to rise over the horizon. There was a church opposite the Engen-one-stop ans it was painted white. It shone so brilliantly with hope and happiness when the sun touched it, that I couldn't possibly feel sad anymore. But I still wished you could have been with me to enjoy it.

We drove through so much landscape and little towns. There were forests of trees that stood swaying in the breeze. The kind of forests were if you looked at them when driving past, you could see down the perfect diagonal lines all the way to the bright light on the other end. It is quite mesmerising.

I slept a lot during the first half of the journey, maybe because it was dark or maybe because I was tired, or maybe because I was missing you.

When I eventually awoke, we had entered the grassy and dry hills of KZN.

It was like walking into a country were God or someone had spilt a huge packet of liquorice Allsorts all over the countryside.

there were rectangular houses with three layers painted on them, light colours for the first half of the wall, bright colours for the second half, and a very dark roof on top. There were little round huts all with brightly painted walls and little black roofs to top them off in the middle. And there were little dome shaped building usually light blue-silver-grey in colour. (The outhouses).

It was such an amazing sight to behold, that I couldn't take my eyes off it. On and on went the hills people and buildings for miles and miles. Some had satellite dishes and things.

It fascinated me.

It started to get warmer and more and more sugar cane appeared as we neared Pongola. You could almost taste the sweetness in the air.

I knew we were nearing our destination then, but didn't realise we still had such a far way to go.

It was such a long tedious drive, and my sister can never quite handle being still. She always has to push and shove and get upset, which is quite irritating, but we all bore it.

The air got hotter and hotter and the land drier and drier. The people got less interesting looking, but their way of life was amazing.

They were growing pineapples just about anywhere and peoples cattle were just roaming around free. Almost as though they belonged to nobody. The women were all standing on the sides of the road with huge barrels, waiting for the water truck to come along, and give them an everyday necessity that we take for granted. I felt sorry for these people, their lives were such much more difficult than my own. Eventually I felt so guilty and bad. that I couldn't look them in the eyes anymore as we drove past.

It was midday and sweltering with heat, and we phoned to get directions from the place we were staying, and in the middle, the cell phone signal disappeared. I twas almost like losing you physically, to know that I couldn't speak to you for so long.

But I held it in.

There was a sign on the road that said 'no fencing', I thought it meant people mustn't fight, and made such a comment. My mom thought it was hilarious because i didn't realise that is meant that there were no fences.

We arrived at the final place, Kosi bay. It was an interesting mix of cultures. And colours. And smells. I felt like an American tourist, the way people stared at us.

We were picked up by the travel guide and taken on a very long and bumpy ride through the bush veld, and into the nature reserve. Along the way we saw the 'laundromat'- a river next to the road, and many different kinds of houses. Built out of stones with wood in between for cement, and rocks and actual bricks that were painted. But funniest of all was the double storey 'shack' complete with balcony and satellite dish.

It was wonderful to finally arrive and the people were all so wonderful.

Our rooms were these hugs tents on log cabin bottoms. It was quite fascinating, because they were made so well, and looked so amazing. not ugly at all. Lunch was perfect and just what I needed.

We then went on this really long walk through the countryside, were we learnt all about the isiMangiliso wetland park and the ecosystems and things. We also learned all about Tswana culture and took a raft across the river just like they did. I'm glad we did. Because on the other side, just while the sun was setting over the lake. We found a beautiful beach, where the sand was blue. I'm not kidding it was blue sand. It was so amazing that I had to take some of it, along with the clear water, just to show you.

We got back and had a wonderful time relaxing before the campfire (did I mention we were the only guests)

And then enjoyed an amazing three course dinner. mmm...

I love this place. It is so wonderful to sit here in my bed covered by mists of mosquito nets and to write to you by light of a paraffin lamp.

The only thing that would make it better, is if you were here to experience and enjoy it with me.