One Week

One Week:

It’s amazing how much can change in a week. Last Friday I was happy. I was counting down the hours till this Friday – the last of the empty mornings for lectures, and sleepless nights for work….And the reward:

I was gonna go out, look fabulous and wear new clothes that I had just bought for the occasion. I was gonna meet new people,hopefully some potential love interests and just really enjoy myself.

Last Friday I ended the day on a high note – Walking to the parking lot with my ‘friends’ talking in the sunshine and joking and messing around. Great memories….If I had known then that it was all gonna change so fast, then maybe I would’ve walked even slower in my suede wedges…drawing out the moments of perfection and true happiness….But I didn’t….So now it will only be a memory of true happiness….maybe the last for a very long time…

 

                                                     *   *   *

On Tuesday it was coffee at Woolworths as usual….Things felt different, I felt different….Something was wrong in the atmosphere and I could feel it….it was so incredibly tangible….Maybe it caused the actual offness within me….or maybe it was the other way around….Either way, waking up late that morning, rushing to varsity and realising that they changed your maths Semester Test Venue without telling you, rushing around looking for it for 30 mins,and then collapsing in an unsexy heap in the last seat…Really did not help matters…

 

But there I was drinking coffee,expecting things to be amazing…but something was wrong….something had changed….Friend 1 had even ordered a white hot chocolate….maybe that should have warned me….after all it was so sweet that the smell nearly made me wanna throw up…Why didn’t he wanna order the usual gingerbread latte? Apparently he ‘wanted change’ or something like that….

 

He was acting weird….almost offish….I didn't really notice….after all I was just so glad to have him there; And he asked/told me that we were gonna party on Friday night….without even thinking of my previous plans - I automatically said Yes…Partying was gonna be awesome, couldn’t wait…and neither could he right?!….I turned down lunch with him after varsity though….I wasn’t feeling up to eating….I wasn’t feeling up to company….But He had confused me….with his vagueness the whole day…and the fact that I hadn’t seen him for a week….I missed him oddly enough….I couldn’t get myself to drive away but eventually did….

 

                                                 *   *   *

Wednesday I couldn't concentrate…I had no idea what was going on….I didn’t even know the Day…My work was completely void of any thought….But Friend 2 and Friend 1  helped…what awesome friends right?

Friend 1 persuaded me for lunch…I pushed for Mickey D’s…I couldn't drive myself all the way to the Glen….and then try to eat at M&G….I just couldn’t do it….

It was ok….we talked….After he let slip that he had gotten promoted at work over the weekend….But he had not told me,and apparently never was going to tell me….

Wednesday Night I actually had a conversation with Friend 2….which kind of turned from my genuine concern and kindness for him….Into something that almost resembled a fight…But Friend 2 and I never fight, we simply and eloquently state our very logical phrases and ideas….and we never seem to get anywhere…However I do remember being blamed quite alot throughout….But I accept responsibility, it was my fault trying to have a normal conversation….

 

                                                     *   *   *

Thursday was the Day I realised I had gotten played….Trying to have a normal friendly conversation with Friend 3…But he starts his asking….His insulting questions and his inability to actually give a damn what I say….Irk me…I start to get angry – the weeks pent up stress laying heavily on me…..I use exclamation marks to get my point across….I'm not shouting…I’m just trying to make myself heard….It doesn’t work….He shouts at me….And I honestly cant handle anymore…try to tell him that..and he very kindly says ‘ I don't have time for your problems’ ….I say ‘fine’ and he then asks me a disgusting question….As though he hasn’t heard enough….

All the while I have Friend 1 nagging me at the other end…yes I’m excited for tomorrow….Can’t wait to party and celebrate….Then I find out about ‘Kirsten'….Well rather I guessed and had to extract it from him….somehow this annoys me….that He cant even tell me something like this???

I decide I need to just go sleep….I log off and….stay awake all night….

 

                                                  *   *   *

Friday I make my self look amazing…Sms Friend 1 - 3 or 4 times, but he never arrives at Varsity….much later on, he very ignorantly sends “Sorry I missed u but i had the most amazing sleep :-)”….

I wasn’t happy….I was sad….was that selfish of me? To think that a best friend ditched me for sleeping?…..I don’t think so….And that damn smiley face was so arrogant….

I sent back a short reply….much later on I get a message telling me that he wants a ‘rain check’ but will make it up by letting us go out to dinner tomorrow….More arrogance….selfishness…not caring that I wanted to go out tonight?! Not caring that I cancelled my amazing plans without a second thought for him…and then he cancels….And more arrogance,just expecting me to be free on Saturday night….Not offering me dinner, making us take it together….No….that’s my reply…

 

Later on I saw on FB that he had spent the afternoon out with two other people….Explains a lot….I was back up as  usual…

                                                    *   *   *

I’ve had enough…I don't need nonsense anymore….Three friends,three almost separate incidents….three cases of absolute humiliation….Three guys who are very arrogant….

 

And then there is me….the sucker for punishment,who puts up with their shit for no reason….I don’t actually need them…I don't actually need friends….But I WANT them…Friend 1 is possibly out of the picture forever now….Friend 2 – is an amazing person, who somehow just seems to get me and knows how to deal with and handle me, definitely still want to stay friends there….Friend 3 - I haven’t quite decided about yet, will make it known at a later stage…

Back to Friday….

 

And so….I took myself out for a party and celebration….And I spoiled myself!….And that is basically my way of saying….cheers, I’m done making the effort and putting up with shit…I sure as hell don’t deserve it, not when I don’t need you (afore mentioned friend above) in the first place anyway!

 

                                    Au revoir Garcons!

Dislocation

***Note: My long absence from writing has a very good reason…or rather a few.  I decided I was finally ok enough to write to explain the main reason, thereby releasing myself of the memory of it…and Finally coming to terms with an accident that really shouldn’t have happened so early in life…So here it is as a series of  short stories. What follows is the first of three. As always –I hope you enjoy!***

Dislocation:

“There was a popping and tearing noise and feeling….and I let out a scream that chilled even me and curdled my blood”

 

The 21th May 2010 was like any other Friday. We  went off to Skating and got there early. I remember skating round and round warming up. Doing my stretches every few laps. My knee was kind of  tight and sore but I thought it was from the cold, and kept trying to get it to loosen up and make the muscles warm.

 

Glenda came on the ice and told us we were changing the routine, so there we were all in different places all trying our best to keep up, and remember the new steps and placing.

                                                  *   *   *

If you’ve ever seen me skate then you will know that my speciality are the bending and jumping steps. Things that require balance. My lunges are perfection and my spirals are some of the best. (It’s not arrogance its what people have told me)

If you also know something about figure skating you know that if someone falls during a routine, the rest of you have to just keep on skating…you cant spoil the entire routine for one person…they must help themselves up and skate back into place ASAP.

                                                 *   *   *

This particular routine seemed to have a lot of lunges. My knee was getting more sore, I kept stretching and flexing it. About 15 minutes in we were re-doing the beginning, yet again, I missed the first lunge by accident, turned skated forward and slid into the second….

I saw the one twin skate past narrowly missing me, it was time for the second turn. I straightened my left leg bit by bit….

My right leg was straight behind me, It was painful and then There was a popping and tearing noise and feeling….and I let out a scream that chilled even me and curdled my blood… The pain was beyond anything I had ever felt or imagined…. I saw the other twin skate past me as I fell or rather collapsed…landing, for some strange reason, on my back and right side….My head hit the ice and stunned me for a while as I watched them carry on skating….I tried to get up but when I opened my mouth it let out another scream…and then another…It just wouldn’t stop….The pain was excruciating why was no-one helping me after the first scream? ! ‘Please someone help me!’…

I looked down and what I saw actually made me start to throw up –I held it in though because I didn’t have the strength to do it, besides my mouth was too busy screaming….My knee cap was off…my right knee cap was off….through my black lycra pants I could see it….”It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts” – gasping for air now and trying not to go into shock….

People were running around me asking questions…I had subconsciously put myself in the recovery position…They wanted to move me? “no- i cant i cant”….Push the cold metal stretcher under me and lift my knee onto it…oh wow the pain….’Please please please’ tears running down my cheeks now….

I was apologising for being too heavy- saw my dad - “Phone mom, and get the medical aid numbers”…They put me in the rink first-aid room…somebody was talking to me, phoning the ambulance, holding my hand…I was so cold..My teeth started to chatter….Somebody finally realised and gave me a jacket or a blanket…or a something….I made a joke…I was joking and laughing….But the pain….maybe I was delirious….

 

My feet were going numb to the point of hurting….”Please my feet are numb and sore” I had to repeat it 5 times before somebody heard me over the commotion….A guy was there….I remember leaning up and they pushed me down again….He undid the laces…And yanked my left foot off….I was trying to tell him to please loosen them…when he yanked the right one off

                                                *POP*

I screamed again and squeezed the persons hand…my knee had just popped…a disgusting sickening feeling….

 

‘It hurts so much’…i just sobbed over and over again….

My dad appeared and I told him to please get my stuff and pack my bag…more talking trying to keep me calm….An ambulance siren…

The ambulance was here…And they would have to move me again….

Two ladies, early twenties…Examining it and realising that my knee cap was no longer hanging off –thanks to Mr.-shoe-yanker….they moved me…tried to get me to move my knee…physically impossible….the stretcher was too short…I was too heavy “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry”

‘who apologises for themselves at a time like this? Only me….’

They rolled me into the ambulance the siren went on and off we went…the younger prettier girl asked me questions - random things…I talked openly….I wasn’t in shock I told her…and then I remember telling her things like what I study and other things that she really didn't need to know….

Every turn knocked my leg and I tried to not show it by biting my hand….breaking the skin…’when are we getting there? Please let us get there soon, when are we getting there’

Finally we stopped…I was taken out and rolled into the emergency room bump bump pain pain pain pain…

Lifting me up onto the bed….taking off my pants….Being introduced to so many people…waiting for the doctor…everybody wearing those stupid football Friday shirts…Finally he came a very young doctor indeed…”How old are you?” - “20” - “Oh good then you can take control of your own medical treatment”

”Would you like some morphine?” – I just nodded… ‘oh yes please….How could he even ask?’…he had a springy step and was humming…

Yay! somebody put a drip in my arm and a monitor on my finger….And then… 6mg of morphine….I actually felt it move up my right arm…thick and deadening…and then through my heart….I will never forget the feeling of having my heart stop and hearing that nothingness that accompanies a dead heart….And I thought she had made a mistake…killed me…but then it beat again….an aching dead dull thudding beat….pumping the morphine to the rest of my body….I couldn’t breathe anymore I was gasping…the pain, the almost-shock…the morphine….They snapped a mask around my face….’thank you thank you’….I stopped suffocating…Lying back , delirious, for a few minutes of peace, relishing the numbness. And then the commotion started again….x-rays and tests and examining my leg…. Exhausting me more; I still couldn’t breathe…and causing pain that I could still feel through it all…

 

Forms to fill in and sign…they rush someone else in on a stretcher…My dad comes in and my mom…”Why are you here?” (probably not the best response") “I’m not that bad”….- me being selfless…

My mom looked so helpless…I realised I must have looked so shit hooked up to monitors and drips and breathing apparatus in the ER…

Results came back…my dad had filled in the forms wrong saying it was my left leg…Forms changed..forms forms forms….

“Would you like some more morphine?” - “No Thank you” – me trying to be brave….

The waiting was getting too much….They got the x-rays and said that no bones were broken – everyone sighed – but I would need a sort of cast and crutches….

The 'Roger Jones' bandage…thick and huge and uncomfortable…pain pain pain as they lifted my leg….’please somebody ask me again?’…

“Would you like some more more”- “Yes” – I couldn't have responded quicker….

Up it went…heard my heart stop…my breathing stop…gasping and suffocating again….But I couldn’t feel it moving like the first time…after all that morphine I shouldn’t be able to feel a thing…but I could…

 

Suddenly!

Yanking off the oxygen mask…Trying to get off the bed…I needed the bathroom so badly…already three hours had passed since I had the accident…before which I had drunken an amazing coffee…For some reason the nurses were surprised that I hadn’t thrown up…I was supposed to….the pain…the morphine…

 

The bathroom…Wobbling on crutches to the wheel chair…my mom wheeled me into the door not thinking about my leg sticking straight out…tears….I wobbled around on the crutches came back out and asked the nurse to push me back….My dad brought the car to the emergency door since I had no proper clothes that fit over the leg…And bundled me into the car….the door just wasn't big enough….

 

I collapsed into the seat…completely and utterly exhausted….smsed my closest friends…and then passed clean out…waking up at home and somehow getting into bed…Still couldn't breathe….couldn’t sleep…couldn't move…couldn’t do anything…Except lie on my back and cry all night….I must have dozed off at some stage because I remember waking up the next morning thinking it was all a bad dream…something that terrible could only have been…But when I tried to get out of bed, I realised…

it wasn’t…